The Count at the River: A Kirikiriroa Romp

A five-act play in the style of Shakespeare with a Billy T James wink.

Dramatis Personae

• TIMUS MACINDOE — a veteran of Parliament, lately crown’d with the mayoral chain
• SARAH OF THE WEST — quick of mind, fleet of votes
• RACHEL OF THE EAST — planks of policy and a folder of flyers
• MARIA OF KIRIKIRIROA — voice of the river
• GEOFF, ANGELA, MESH, EMMA — councillors, candidates, aunties
• CHORUS OF KAITIAKI & RATEPAYERS — who sing, sigh, and count preferences
• THE RETURNING OFFICER — a stoic with a calculator
• BILLY T’S SPIRIT — pops in when things get too serious

Act I — Super Saturday

Victoria on the River. A chilly breeze. A voting box glows like the One Ring.

CHORUS:
Behold, this box, where tick and hope do dwell,
Where L-shaped lanes deliver final spell;
Five thousand votes, and fifty hundred more,
Shall tip the ship toward yon mayoral shore.

RETURNING OFFICER (peering at screen):
Progress! List the ranks, the city breathes—
Timus leads, then Sarah’s banner weaves.
Yet mark: late scrolls from libraries and halls
May turn the footnotes into curtain calls.

TIMUS (entering):
Good folk, I thank thee—nay, I don’t get cocky;
The CE’s rung—okay, I’m mayor. Shot, rocky! (winks)
Let not this chain grow heavy as a loan,
But keep the budget’s temptings overthrown.

BILLY T’S SPIRIT (aside):
He’s in, e hoa. Don’t muck about—
Rates don’t pay themselves; nor potholes grout.

Act II — The Transfer Tango (STV)

An abacus, a whiteboard. Names shuffle like cards.

RETURNING OFFICER:
When mayor’s crown from East is plucked away,
Her list must recompute this very day;
Let second choices rise like cream on chai,
And sixth-place dreams grow wings—or wave goodbye.

RACHEL OF THE EAST:
If Tim steps up, then who steps into line?
Let preferences, like arrows, find their sign.

CHORUS (sings):
Count one, count two, then transfer aye to thee;
S-T-V—Some Truly Vexing—alchemy!
But patience, friends; the method’s made to show
What most hearts hum beneath the first-vote glow.

Act III — The River Decides (Māori Ward Poll)

A pou stands centre-stage. Two scrolls: KEEP and REMOVE.

MARIA OF KIRIKIRIROA:
The river speaks, though barely by a creek:
Thirteen-six keep the ward; thirteen-oh-ten seek
To wipe it clean. Yet mandate there remains—
A narrow bridge is still a bridge that stands.

BILLY T’S SPIRIT:
Close as a kai bowl at the marae line—
One more ladle and we’d be out o’ brine.

CHORUS:
Take heed, new House: this margin thin and spare
Demands good kōrero—and tika care.

Act IV — Westward! (and Eastward, too)

A split stage: Frankton hums on the left; Chartwell blinks on the right.

SARAH OF THE WEST:
Our boot-soles thin from doors and rain; still, look—
The ledger lists our names within the book.
Yet know, good mates, the middle’s tight and warm;
Late votes may brew a last-night thunderstorm.

ANGELA & GEOFF (together):
Committees, then—let traffic, pipes, and parks
Find budgets lit by lamps, not empty sparks.

RACHEL / ANDREW / ANNA / LEO / JAMIE (alternating):
We count, recount, and bow to STV’s art—
For sixth and seventh duel one narrowed heart.

Act V — The Chain and the Chalk

Council chamber. A whiteboard titled “Rates • Debt • Basics”.

TIMUS:
Now starts the graft—not headlines, nor the gloss:
We prune the luxuries; we mind the cost.
Yet fairness too—lest thrift become a noose,
And civic trust slip loose from civic use.

MARIA:
Remember also rivers, whenua, voice;
Representation’s not a coin, but choice.

BILLY T’S SPIRIT (to audience):
Alright, team—less opera, more doing.
Fill the pothole, fix the looing.
STV’s done its little dance;
Now roll your sleeves—give pipes a chance.

CHORUS (finale):
The votes are cast; the ledger near complete;
Transfers yet hum beneath the city’s beat.
A mayor stands; the ward’s retained with care—
Now measure worth by mahi, not hot air.

Curtain.