The Four on the 22

ACT I — Warm-Up & Kick-Off

MACCA. Gather, whānau! Tonight we host a stonker—four mayors-in-waiting, all laced and ready. Ref, keep order; Aunty, keep the pies from disappearing.

REF. No sledging unless witty.

Stage. Enter RODERICK and MESH with notebooks.

MESH. Two pens, one pie—odds are poor for the pie.

RODERICK. We’re here to watch, not wag the tongue—yet mark the play when truth goes missing.

Stage. Enter the CANDIDATES to applause.

MACCA. Righto. Quick-fire. Hands on hearts, eyes on rates.

ACT II — The Rucks & Mauls (Quick-Fire)

MACCA. Is council well run?

RACHEL. We’ve strong people—but need tighter lines.

MESH. Translation: “Some good eggs, carton leaky.”

MACCA. Climate action vs cost of living—who wins?

SARAH. Both, if we’re smart—insulate, save cash, cut carbon.

RODERICK. A try under the posts—practical beats preachy.

MACCA. In-lane bus stops—more or nah?

TIM. Where buses are full, yes; where empty, spend wiser.

MESH. A cautious grubber. Could bounce either way.

MACCA. Revenue problem or spending problem?

MARIA. Spending: fewer gold-plated projects, more basics.

RODERICK. Write that on the whiteboard in permanent marker.

MACCA. Claudelands loses millions—sell it for a dollar?

RACHEL. No fire sale. Fix the model first.

AUNTY MOANA. Amen. We’re not TradeMe.

MACCA. Congestion charging?

SARAH. Not until options are fair and frequent.

REF. Time! Sip your lemonades. Move to set plays.

ACT III — Set Plays (Long-Form Questions)

MACCA. Governance regret—what’d you stuff up, and learn?

TIM. I once waved a shiny plan through sans totals. Learnt to demand the sums before the ribbon.

MESH. We’ve met his cousin: Project Overrun.

MACCA. Past experience that readies you for mayor?

MARIA. Feeding whānau, fixing leaks, budgeting thin air—I’ve led teams where stakes were dinner or none.

RODERICK. That’s governance with skin in the game.

MACCA. Climate targets—how deliver without rinsing ratepayers?

RACHEL. Start with council’s own house: solar on roofs, LEDs, smart pumps, tree shade for floods; help households cut bills, not hope.

MESH. Climate that tastes like savings—palatable.

MACCA. Should council police residents’ emissions?

SARAH. Enable, don’t police: good buses, warm homes, clean power.

RODERICK. A nod to liberty with a bus timetable.

MACCA. NZTA subsidy: six hundred grand per crossing—excessive?

TIM. Price the function, not the frills. Yes—fight it down.

MACCA. Kerb realignments that cost a fortune—essential?

MARIA. Safety first, but balance: fix the worst roads before the pretty ones.

AUNTY MOANA. Say it louder for the pothole out front.

MACCA. Ruakura/Aroha Street—1.2 km, many zeros—essential spend?

RACHEL. If it unlocks real movement and safety—prove it with numbers, then yes. If not, back to the shed.

MESH. “Prove it with numbers”—tonight’s phrase of phases.

MACCA. Treaty principles in reports—what do they actually mean?

SARAH. Partnership, participation, protection—not a footnote, but how we plan the river’s bend.

RODERICK. The room breathes easier when said that way.

MACCA. Māori wards—upside? downside?

MARIA. Upside: voices long missed, at the table. Risk: division—cured by honest graft and open doors.

REF. Last: Captain Hamilton’s relocation to the museum?

TIM. Right place—history discussed, not pedestal’d.

Stage. The GHOST OF BILLY peeks from behind the trophy cabinet.

GHOST OF BILLY. Good call. Put the past where questions have a chair.

ACT IV — Heckles, Zingers, and STV

MACCA. Thirty-second closers. Go on then.

RACHEL. Fix the basics, face the future: pipes, parks, people.

SARAH. Work smarter: spend where it saves households.

TIM. No more over-designed kerbs; measure twice, cut once.

MARIA. Communities first; the budget must pass the pantry test.

REF. Crowd, it’s STV—Share The Vibes. Rank your lot.

AUNTY MOANA. Rank with love, not leftovers.

THE CROWD. Pipes to mend and roads to seal,
Money tight but turning real;
Rank with heart and common weal—
Hamilton, kia kaha!

Stage. The candidates shake hands. Applause rolls like a scrum.

MESH. Well then, Rod—scorecard?

RODERICK. All four kept the ball alive; some found touch, some kicked to space. I liked the lines where numbers married need.

MESH. If they keep this tone post-election, we might yet park on flat ground.

GHOST OF BILLY. Remember, lads: democracy’s a season, not a single game. Turn up to training.

RODERICK. We will. And bring a shovel for the carpark lake.

MACCA. Final whistle! Same time next Monday—meet the candidates, bring your kids, rank your nan (second), and someone take that cone off Tiny’s head.

REF. Full time.